Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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