if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
