I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
