I smell stomach acid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
