I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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