If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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