I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
