Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
