my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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