I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
