yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
