My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
