i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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