my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize