I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
