I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
