When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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