i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
sex in a hospital.. check
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
