If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
