just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
