tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
