I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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