i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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