the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
