I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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