i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
