The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
