2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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