How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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