So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
