i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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