I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
