remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
