haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
