I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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