so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize