as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
