I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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