Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
