eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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