I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
