A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
