If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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