You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
