I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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