Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My vagina is very pro this idea
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
