i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
