Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
