i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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