You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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