It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
