he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
