saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
