her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
