When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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