and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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